For without struggle, there is no progress.

Seriously today is just CRAPPY. Do you ever wonder why bad days occur to people that don't deserve it? Especially to those that are already stuck in a hole? Everything hit me in a domino effect today from financial issues (when is it not an issue?) to school and everything just spiraled down after that. Even the smallest things were starting to piss me off like someone not being able to get a hold me... and then I realized how selfish I was being and stopped being mad. Everything is just SO frustrating right now and I never realized how money can drastically change your moods. Meaning if you don't have any the unhappier you are, and I mean this in a way where if you USED to have money and you lost it, unlike those that never had money then they're pretty much content with their life. Thank you to those of you who understand where I'm coming from and are fully supporting me. I appreciate the words of encouragement and all the help as well. My motivation right now: I start work on Wednesday. =)

Project: SKINNY

i just got an urge to write... but I MUST save it for when I have more time to spare. I'm in my boring geology class, which I already know a certain someone will be mad at me for not paying attention in class. hahahaha Usually by the 2nd hour my mind stops functioning in this 2 hour and 15 min class.

More later.

August 13, 2008 at 2:15AM

I dug up an entry I posted on my old blog that I wanted to put up again mainly because it was the last real entry I actually sat and typed out without having to think about it, just letting my thoughts flow through my fingers...

I once had a conversation with a friend conversing about the different types of love that one may feel or experience. After debating about the topic for countless hours we came to the conclusion that there are three different types of intimate love in this world: the love of being in a relationship, the love of being in love/lust, and the longing for love.

From evaluating my past relationships, I've come to realize that I'm a person that loves being in a relationship. I don't think I plan it out to be that way but when I find myself in a partnership with a significant other I'm content with it a little more than the idea of being single. My single days had its ups and downs, the ups mainly consisting of enormous amounts of ego boosts left and right from male suitors to my downs comprising of feeling lonely on those nights when all your girlfriends were out spending time with their boyfriends. It didn't get me down too much when I felt those pangs of loneliness ideally because I wanted to be single and chose that path of solitude, or that femme fatale attitude if you will. But somehow in the midst of the wild and crazy single life, I was able to slip into a spell once again by a person that I had only spoken to once before with an exchange of few words shared beforehand. In my earlier posts I would repeatedly comment on how I was "surprised" or "still in shock" and quite frankly, though as far along it's been since the day we first met, I am still quite in shock at how much of an impact this person has affected my life. It really is thought-provoking.

My last experience ended with a bit of a bitter taste in both our mouths and though that person is a mere memory now, I still hope the best for him. But because of that bitter taste that lingered for so long, I'm left with fear, anxiety, and stress that will probably take me awhile to get completely over. So far, I've been learning to become more comfortable with myself, especially when it comes to my body image. It was hard enough to just wear a swim suit in front of my girlfriends, but now I'm able to go to the beach and walk around in just my swim suit! That's quite an achievement and those of you who've known me the longest or just know me well, KNOW that I'm self-conscious about my body. But with this person, I feel as though I can be completely comfortable and he still accepts me for ME. It's an amazing feeling really, so much that I can't really explain it even with a vast array of poetic verses or with the most difficult words you can find out of a dictionary. I've already accepted the fact that I'm falling and yes, I know it may well be too early to foresee something so powerful as falling in love with this person, yet I can't deny what I'm feeling inside. I debated with myself about it for quite some time thinking, "well what if it isn't love and it's just a deep feeling of lust?" My only answer to this was that I consider lust to be something external primarily... you only like what you see. But when the lust has finally worn off and you start to notice the good, the bad, but most of all the hideous, that make up who he is, then you can finally come to the conclusion that this person is not perfect but far from the perfectly flawless dream that you've sought for because he's much more than all of that...he's perfectly flawed. You start to not only like the external but you end up falling for what's internal, the part that you don't always get a glimpse of but when you are able to, it's priceless. That last sentence sounded so cliche, as though it came straight out of a sappy love song but DAMN, those love songs are starting to make sense and those chick flicks are starting to get to me and every time I see a couple walk past me I take a second glance because I feel that same connection as well. But alas, how can I still look on mesmerized with love and adoration by this guy that snores ever so soundly in his sleep, curled up in a ball, one leg hanging off the side of the bed while the rest of his body is slowly radiating a mixture of sweat and the aroma of a faint smell of bengay from under the sheets? Yes, I know what you're thinking... I don't get it either. :]

Luann

Fresh Start and New Beginnings

I was looking over all my entries on my other blog and I realized that the entries dated all the way back to January 16, 2005, nearly three years ago. I read and winced and most of all, I cringed at the older entries I posted with juvenile thoughts and feelings of past relationships or dramatic situations that seemed to be the center of my attention during that time. I skimmed the entries from my very first entry to the entry I posted recently and decided that it's time for a change in my blogging virtual environment. There's no special reason as to why I picked this site to switch to...just that it only took me 5 minutes to create my blog lol.

Anyway...I've been kind of lacking in updating a blog in general. Honestly, the only time I get inspired to blog is at 2:00am for some reason especially on nights when I can't sleep, like tonight. I'm already about 4 weeks into the semester and I still don't quite feel that I've settled into school mode entirely though I've had 2 midterms so far. I didn't too well on one but it hasn't gotten me down, mainly because everyone in the class failed except for one guy that didn't and made everyone look bad. I have yet to find out on my other midterm. School's been moving pretty fast though and I love how it's keeping me productive and active. And on an even BETTER note, I FINALLY GOT A JOB!!! woot woot! I'm so hyped up about it! All month I was stressing out like crazy because I had all these interviews but wasn't landing any jobs and now finally I can rest at ease. It's pretty basic, just a admin/receptionist job for a copier manufacturing company in Brea only about 5 mins away from my apt. I'm full-time with benefits and the pay is $15 hourly! YAYYY!!! Thank you to those of you who kept my spirits up when I'd dwell, especially Hourt...thanks babe.

Speaking of the boyfriend.. it's been wonderful so far. This whole summer has been extremely eventful from many random kickbacks on milton st (OG milton apt, 1st alpha class tau apt, zeta house, and bud apt), EDC (thought I would never roll again!), to meeting a swell guy whom has succeeded in sweeping me off my feet. Since the day we met, we pretty much have never left each other's side (ok i lied except for the times when he'd go home on the weekends...but that would be like what.. 2 days? and even then we'd be on the phone.. WOW...LOL) and i can honestly say that it just gets better and better each day and I seem to fall more and more with each day that passes. Yeah.. super cheesy... =p So I guess I just wanted to take this time to tell YOU.. yes you... thank you.. for being so patient, so understanding and so genuine with me. I know I can be difficult at times and stubborn when I don't get my way, but thank you for continuing to be patient with me and accepting my flaws. I will try my best to overcome my faults and habits to the best of my ability because you make me want to be a better person. Thank you for keeping my spirits up and being so supportive of me! I can only show my grattitude in showing you the same support and love that you've given me. Thank you baby. =)