I once had a conversation with a friend conversing about the different types of love that one may feel or experience. After debating about the topic for countless hours we came to the conclusion that there are three different types of intimate love in this world: the love of being in a relationship, the love of being in love/lust, and the longing for love.
From evaluating my past relationships, I've come to realize that I'm a person that loves being in a relationship. I don't think I plan it out to be that way but when I find myself in a partnership with a significant other I'm content with it a little more than the idea of being single. My single days had its ups and downs, the ups mainly consisting of enormous amounts of ego boosts left and right from male suitors to my downs comprising of feeling lonely on those nights when all your girlfriends were out spending time with their boyfriends. It didn't get me down too much when I felt those pangs of loneliness ideally because I wanted to be single and chose that path of solitude, or that femme fatale attitude if you will. But somehow in the midst of the wild and crazy single life, I was able to slip into a spell once again by a person that I had only spoken to once before with an exchange of few words shared beforehand. In my earlier posts I would repeatedly comment on how I was "surprised" or "still in shock" and quite frankly, though as far along it's been since the day we first met, I am still quite in shock at how much of an impact this person has affected my life. It really is thought-provoking.
My last experience ended with a bit of a bitter taste in both our mouths and though that person is a mere memory now, I still hope the best for him. But because of that bitter taste that lingered for so long, I'm left with fear, anxiety, and stress that will probably take me awhile to get completely over. So far, I've been learning to become more comfortable with myself, especially when it comes to my body image. It was hard enough to just wear a swim suit in front of my girlfriends, but now I'm able to go to the beach and walk around in just my swim suit! That's quite an achievement and those of you who've known me the longest or just know me well, KNOW that I'm self-conscious about my body. But with this person, I feel as though I can be completely comfortable and he still accepts me for ME. It's an amazing feeling really, so much that I can't really explain it even with a vast array of poetic verses or with the most difficult words you can find out of a dictionary. I've already accepted the fact that I'm falling and yes, I know it may well be too early to foresee something so powerful as falling in love with this person, yet I can't deny what I'm feeling inside. I debated with myself about it for quite some time thinking, "well what if it isn't love and it's just a deep feeling of lust?" My only answer to this was that I consider lust to be something external primarily... you only like what you see. But when the lust has finally worn off and you start to notice the good, the bad, but most of all the hideous, that make up who he is, then you can finally come to the conclusion that this person is not perfect but far from the perfectly flawless dream that you've sought for because he's much more than all of that...he's perfectly flawed. You start to not only like the external but you end up falling for what's internal, the part that you don't always get a glimpse of but when you are able to, it's priceless. That last sentence sounded so cliche, as though it came straight out of a sappy love song but DAMN, those love songs are starting to make sense and those chick flicks are starting to get to me and every time I see a couple walk past me I take a second glance because I feel that same connection as well. But alas, how can I still look on mesmerized with love and adoration by this guy that snores ever so soundly in his sleep, curled up in a ball, one leg hanging off the side of the bed while the rest of his body is slowly radiating a mixture of sweat and the aroma of a faint smell of bengay from under the sheets? Yes, I know what you're thinking... I don't get it either. :]
Luann
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